Interview With One Of The Involved: Rayne Millaray

Rayne Millaray is a wild, 30-something, sex enthusiast who’s been “just one of the guys” for as long a she can remember. She’s been having sex since 1996, blogging about her sex life since 2005, advocating for a sex-positive society since 2008 and working in the adult industry legally since 2010. Her writing is published on various blogs around the web. She writes a weekly column for Albany’s #1 rock station (Q103 Albany) which focuses on sexuality, sex and relationships. And she was once Editor in Chief of SexIs Magazine, a publication by EdenFantasys. Rayne is, without a doubt, the girl your mother warned you about. Chaos incarnate. And she loves it. (She also has a personal blog: Insatiable Desire)

1. As an advocate of sex positivity, what do you see as the single biggest issue facing advocates of sex positivity and safer, healthier, smarter sex? What steps do you think can be taken to fix this issue?

A lot of us are afraid to talk about these things outside the safety of our laptops and smart phones.

Something people don’t seem to understand is that when you talk about sex with others, you don’t have to be completely out there with your whole sex story. I mean, I don’t just tell some stranger on the street that I’ve lost count of the number of times I was raped, or that my husband built a wooden cross to tie me to so he could beat me with whips that are more expensive than most people’s television sets. We just talk about, you know, condoms, and safe sex toy materials, and men’s and women’s issues, and marriage equality, and body positivity. The important stuff.

2. What was the biggest struggle you overcame in the sex industry?

My own sex negativity. I used to have all these gross opinions about what was good and bad sexual behavior that really just exhibited self-doubt and disappointment in my own sexual decisions.

It’s only been a couple years since I finally starting admitting to myself and others that I would have gone into prostitution whether I had mouths to feed or not.

It’s not for everyone, but it doesn’t always suck, either. Most of the time, I enjoyed it. I definitely liked the money. And hey, it kept food in my kids’ bellies.

These days, there are certainly things I’ll never do (unless M decides he wants to do them, which will never happen), but I don’t judge the people who enjoy them. I also won’t stop myself from asking them what on Earth they find appealing about them. I’m curious that way.

3. If you could change anything you’ve done through the course of your career, what would it be? What is the significance of said event or period?

The thing I would change is also part of what made me who I am. I would have been more choosy about who I trusted and allied myself with. I let the camaraderie and common interests lull me into a false sense of security, in the beginning, and found out the hard way that there are always snakes in the grass.

4. Who is your favorite author, erotic or non?

When I was a teenager, I would have answered “Steven King” without hesitation. These days, I don’t really have a favorite. I like everything for different reasons. Even the hopelessly flawed Gor novels, though I’m not a huge fan of most erotica. Not that I hate it. I could take it or leave it, most days. I like to write it, though, so go figure.

I just finished Malcolm X’s autobiography, and I’m reading Roots. They’re both by Alex Haley. I like him because the writing style in those two books is very different, which is the mark of a truly talented author. The first is like you’re having a conversation, which, in reading Alex’s description of the writing, is very much how he got the information for the book. By talking to Malcolm X. The second is like you’re hearing a story, which also makes sense, because the story of Kunta Kinte was passed down through his family. He would have been told the stories as a boy.

I also just finished Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. It was confusing (duh?) and there was no caterpillar. I was disappointed.

Now, if you ask me what my favorite series is, I can pick that. It’s the Sword of Truth novels. They’re just so awesome. M made me read them long before they were made for tv. I was ecstatic when it was picked up for tv, and devastated when it was cancelled. I love that no matter what is thrown at the main characters during their battle for their world, they just keep fighting for what they believe in. And that’s the toasted toads truth.

5. What is one thing you wish you could just explain to the world and have everyone understand instantly? Why would you choose that one thing over any other?

We are not solving anything by drawing battle lines between us and potential allies. I had this big thought to back that up with, but I’m just tired. With the #mansplaining and #fuckcispeople and #solidarityisforwhitewomen and…God, countless other hashtags in the last few weeks, I’m pretty much over it.

The why’s as simple as this: You will never win people over to your side by telling them they will never be as enlightened and deserving of equality as you, and winning people over to our side is the only way to precipitate change. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

6. Who in the industry inspires you? What about them does so?

At the risk of sounding like a total fangirl (and maybe I am a little bit), Metis Black from Tantus. I cannot say enough good things about her, or her company and its products. I love that she started out with the resolve to bring safe sex toys with innovative designs to the market. I love that she doesn’t give a fuck what other people think about her as long as they love her product and hear her message. I love that when the market started recognizing the need for safer toys, and looking for someone to lead the way, she jumped to the front of the line.

When she says she’s not liked, that’s putting it lightly. But I think that, in a lot of cases, the problem is she’s a strong woman who knows what she wants and goes after it in an industry that is still mostly run by men (who hide behind the women around them and pretend that the fact that there are women around them proves they’re not sexist). Plus, nobody likes to be told they’re wrong, even when they are. And alpha personalities especially. Heaven knows there are a lot of alpha personalities in the industry.

With all that, she’s just like, “Fuck you, I’m on a mission.” And I love her for it.

7. What do you wish someone would have taught you when you were just learning about sex and sexuality?


That I don’t have to want to have sex with everyone who wants to have sex with me. When I was a teen, I’d find myself attracted to people simply because they were attracted to me. I’d think about them when we weren’t physically in each other’s presence, and I’d realize I had no idea who they were. So I’d start to try to get to know them, and find out that I was never really interested in them to begin with. I was just so happy someone wanted me, I was willing to settle. It’s a product of always being society’s definition of fat.

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  1. Wicked Wahine

    Wow, what a delightful read this was! I never got to meet Rayne, but after reading this and agreeing with so much of what she said, I think it’s a shame I didn’t get to know her! Answer #7 really surprised me and resonated with me on a certain level. I really liked her take on the #5 and #6 as well. But the whole interview was terrific. MrWill, I really love this section of your site! Great questions!

  2. I've always wanted to call myself queer. | Insatiable Desire

    […] I did deal with a bit of shame over my sexuality because I grew up Christian, and my brand of Christianity considered homosexual behavior a sin. Beyond that, for some reason society views a cisgender person’s attraction to transgender people as a “fetish”. Some consider fetishes (and this one in particular) “dirty”. So it was a very long time before I would even consider the idea that I was attracted to transgender people. (I did say that one of the biggest obstacles in my career has been overcoming my own sex negativity.) […]

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